i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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