I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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