I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Vodka?
Forever.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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