I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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