I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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