Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
