tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
