just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize