she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
