Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
