so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
