just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
