Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
