it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
