I cockslap morals
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
