I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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