Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Randomize
