My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
