You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize