At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
