In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize