The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I woke up under a house in Key West
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
