He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
