Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
