i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
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