Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
