My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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