you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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