I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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