you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Vodka?
Forever.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
It's not a walk of shame if you run
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