Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
