Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
