I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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