i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
