i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
