we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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