I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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