so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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