is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
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