she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
this is an emotional support booty call
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
