Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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