dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
Just fell off a train. Bad.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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