Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
