Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
