Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Randomize
