He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
My breasts were aching with rage.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
