I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
A bitchslap is in order.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
