Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Randomize
