Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize