dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
