Little spoons don't ask big questions
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Enjoy the penises
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
