I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
