aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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