What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
