The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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