I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
