I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
