I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
