she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
