My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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