I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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